PPC Blog & Search Engine Marketing Worst Practices: PPC Villain

We all know how pesky clients can be, questioning your methods, asking for clarifications and wondering about their precious ROI. Technically our clients are the type that call the mob for a “cleaning job” and then as long as the “job” is done, no questions are asked. But we can’t all have the trust of a mafia don. For those of you that are looking for a way to get those clients off your back, try using a word from our new vocabulary list! It’s guaranteed to confuse and impress the client and to squelch any follow up questions!

Admittedly, Google started it. We’re just following suit.  Heh.

C’mon. EFFECTIMIZE?!

When trying to get a new client, try: hyperoptimize. (hi-per-op-ti-my-ze)

It sounds like optimize, which everyone offers, but the “hyper” aspect of what you’re offering inspires thoughts of speed and awesomeness!

We’re going to go above and beyond and hyperoptimize your campaigns!

Or: minimalazmic (min-e-mal-iz-tick)

You don’t just lower cost per clicks, you make them minimalazmic. It’s just one notch above microscopic, but below itty bitty.

When the client is chasing your around for information you don’t want to give, insinuate that it’s either information they should already know or have told them once before.

Try: kachingaling (kah-ch-ing-ah-ling)

Pairing the sound of money with the action of “ing”, convinces them that you’re all about their bottom line.

Every campaign that receives hyperoptimization will reward you with kachingaling returns.

Or: lessenerdism (less-nerd-ism)

Because of the red tape and lessnerdism of the search engine’s overbearing regulations your ROI is in the toilet.

Now the client thinks that it’s the search engine’s fault.

Need a new strategy to convince the client that you’re testing out?

Try: split turnupside testing

Gone are the days of plain old A/B testing, now we turn ads on their heads with split turnupside testing. This test will examine the ads from every direction imaginable!

Or: pageplander (pah-age-plan-der)

It’s not a new page on your site and it’s not quite a lander! It’s the newest design in landing pages, guaranteed to escape the Google Quality Score loading time criteria cause it’s a pageplander!

Got a smarty pants who wants to know how you’re going to keep their CPCs low since the latest Quality Score update?

Try: quasiscore bidding (kwa-zee-score bidding)

Talk about how with the new Quality Score detail recommendation numbers you can implement a different kind of bidding that is based on a complex algorithm that involves the “6″ OK score, Brinn’s birthdate, the number of licks to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop and characters in your display URL.

With the new Quality Score detail recommendations numbers, we’re able to employ quasiscore bidding techniques.

Or: advanced incremental decreased bids

Tell the client how through the ad scheduling tool you can use the advanced incremental decreased bids tool in every campaign to cut their average cost per click!

Need to convince the client that your in house tools are better than the next guy’s?

Try: instant demographimagery

Be able to target users based on what they look like and where they live!  You have a tool that finds out what people look like and groups them based on where they live! Target those wrinkled old ladies in south Sarasota, Florida because you know when they go online and for how long! Show them the ads for sun damage and watch the profits roll in because you’ve got instant demographimagery!

Or: grouppity grouper

The grouppity grouper allows you to section off, add and organize keywords like no other tool! Speed and time are no match for this tool. This great tool! Do you have one?

Need to raise your PPC management rates because of the crashing economy? How else to convince a client that you’re worth it over everyone else if only for your extensive knowledge in the latest techniques from hyperoptimization to creating pageplanders?!