For those of you that have only been following the ways of the Villain for a short time, we’re re-releasing the magical, devious video that started it all: PPC Villain Domination Seminar #1.

For those of you that have only been following the ways of the Villain for a short time, we’re re-releasing the magical, devious video that started it all: PPC Villain Domination Seminar #1.
Mwahahahaaa!
It’s finally come to this, the teachings of the Villain have been accepted as gosspel. Paige Veuxs (yours truly) will be appearing in June at SMX Advanced in Seattle on a certain PPC panel about certain PPC tactics.
Which one? Well that would be like revealing the entire diabolical plan to the good guy while trying to kill him and then him not dying, escaping and telling everyone, thus ruining your diabolical scheme!
And that would be dumb.
There are a lot of PPC advice and tactic sites out there that promise to give you good advice, make you rich and emblazon their sites with giant call to action buttons and flashing graphics. But can you trust these PPC Posers? Duh, no.
If you’ve got anything at all between your ears, you’re reading this site whenever I get around to posting on it and then nothing else until that moment arrives. Should you get your PPC advice anywhere else?
Duh, no. But let’s face it, I’m slow. World domination is a time consuming activity and posting on my blog hits the back burner when I’m busy taking over New Zealand. I guess I can concede that you might read something about PPC elsewhere and at some time. But for crying out loud, avoid the PPC Posers!
So how do you know when a site is a PPC Poser? Well, I’m going to educate you, because that is what we do here at PPC Villain.
Sign #1 that the site is a PPC Poser:
They seem to think that the bigger the font, the better.
You know what that really means? Total lack of CONTENT.
Example: www.ppcbully.com

PPC Bully
Signs # 2 and #3 that the site is a PPC Poser:
#2: Crazy sort of related to PPC URL
Why? Cause they waited so long that all the good URLs were taken and they took the first .com name GoDaddy spit out at them.
#3: More than one site that’s pretty much the same with the same uncomfortable close up shot of a giant nerd.
Example: www.ppc-4-free.com and www.ppcalwaysfree.com

PPC 4 Free
Sign #4 that the site is a PPC Poser:
The site uses “seals of approval” and “guarantees” like they’re going out of style.
Example: www.ppcadvertisingsecrets.com

PPC Advertising Secrets
And as a bonus, I found them using this gem of a PPC ad:

Speeling and Grammer anyone?
Sign #5 that the site is a PPC Poser:
Giant, larger than necessary, overly ornate, call to action buttons.
There seems to be a direct link between the size of the button and the average gullibility of the user clicking on it. Green represents the size of the button and blue represents the gullible-ness of the user. Notice how they intertwine into a dance of ignorance?

Gullible Chart
(Source: None of your business.)
Example: www.secretppcdossier.com

Secret PPC Dossier
Sign #6 that the site is a PPC Poser:
Prices are slashed.
What is this, an informercial? If the words “easy payments” “prices slashed” “on sale” or “low low prices” are included, step away from that site immediately. That advice is going to be as useless as the hand mixer, Magic Bullet and BowFlex you already bought for just 4 easy payments of a piece of your self respect and that $10 your grandma sent you for Christmas.
Example: www.therichjerk.com

The Rich Jerk
Sign #7 that the site is a PPC Poser:
They’re not just selling PPC.
If online dating, weight loss or financial help information occupy any other space on that site, dump it like a fruitcake in March.
Example: www.seriousppccoaching.com

Serious PPC Coaching
Sign #8 that the site is a PPC Poser:
It appears that the site has not been updated since 2005.
Yahoo and MSN are going into PPC? NO WAY!
Example: www.ppcprime.com

PPC Prime
Sign #9 that the site is a PPC Poser:
Creepy testimonials and screen shots of success with child-like handwriting pointing out said successes.
(Do you think the strange thing that happened was the possession of his body by a supernatural being?!)
Example: www.ppcscaretactics.com

PPC Scare Tactics

PPC Scare Tactics
Sign #10 that the site is a PPC Poser:
And the final sign…
The URL is meant to inspire fear, panic or scare you into handing over complete and total control of your PPC accounts to them.
Run! Hide! Take cover!
Example: www.ppcpanic.com

More Exclamation Points!
That’s it for this list, you may now sit back and wait for my next post.
Everybody knows about SpyFu, with their nice Ninja-like veneer. Apparently they aren’t the only company that wants in on the PPC competitive analysis take. New to the scene: PPC Bully. Get a load of these clowns!
These “bullies” are pitching their sleuth service as a get rich quick scheme. Threatening to take people’s lunch money (and also their keyword buys), this gnomish 1st-grader is more like a minor annoyance.
For a mere $69 $49/month, they’ll supposedly “let your competitors work for you” and side-step the trial and error involved in launching a PPC campaign.
There’s only one problem I can see with this perfect plan – the leprechaun-esque mascot. Seriously, who’s gonna cough up their paid search secrets to a little turtle squirt in a bad Marvin the Martian costume (no offense, Marv)? Nobody! That’s who.
Their video example touts the ability to pilfer coveted “acai berry” ads. (Real lucrative keyword there, fellas!)
Although imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, our evil master is honestly a tad bothered by this sad bullying. There’s only room enough for one truly evil personality on the PPC front, and it certainly isn’t them. That’s why the great Professor Villainov has sent me, the Iron Fist, to dispatch PPC Bully immediately.
We all know how pesky clients can be, questioning your methods, asking for clarifications and wondering about their precious ROI. Technically our clients are the type that call the mob for a “cleaning job” and then as long as the “job” is done, no questions are asked. But we can’t all have the trust of a mafia don. For those of you that are looking for a way to get those clients off your back, try using a word from our new vocabulary list! It’s guaranteed to confuse and impress the client and to squelch any follow up questions!
Admittedly, Google started it. We’re just following suit. Heh.
C’mon. EFFECTIMIZE?!
When trying to get a new client, try: hyperoptimize. (hi-per-op-ti-my-ze)
It sounds like optimize, which everyone offers, but the “hyper” aspect of what you’re offering inspires thoughts of speed and awesomeness!
We’re going to go above and beyond and hyperoptimize your campaigns!
Or: minimalazmic (min-e-mal-iz-tick)
You don’t just lower cost per clicks, you make them minimalazmic. It’s just one notch above microscopic, but below itty bitty.
When the client is chasing your around for information you don’t want to give, insinuate that it’s either information they should already know or have told them once before.
Try: kachingaling (kah-ch-ing-ah-ling)
Pairing the sound of money with the action of “ing”, convinces them that you’re all about their bottom line.
Every campaign that receives hyperoptimization will reward you with kachingaling returns.
Or: lessenerdism (less-nerd-ism)
Because of the red tape and lessnerdism of the search engine’s overbearing regulations your ROI is in the toilet.
Now the client thinks that it’s the search engine’s fault.
Need a new strategy to convince the client that you’re testing out?
Try: split turnupside testing
Gone are the days of plain old A/B testing, now we turn ads on their heads with split turnupside testing. This test will examine the ads from every direction imaginable!
Or: pageplander (pah-age-plan-der)
It’s not a new page on your site and it’s not quite a lander! It’s the newest design in landing pages, guaranteed to escape the Google Quality Score loading time criteria cause it’s a pageplander!
Got a smarty pants who wants to know how you’re going to keep their CPCs low since the latest Quality Score update?
Try: quasiscore bidding (kwa-zee-score bidding)
Talk about how with the new Quality Score detail recommendation numbers you can implement a different kind of bidding that is based on a complex algorithm that involves the “6″ OK score, Brinn’s birthdate, the number of licks to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop and characters in your display URL.
With the new Quality Score detail recommendations numbers, we’re able to employ quasiscore bidding techniques.
Or: advanced incremental decreased bids
Tell the client how through the ad scheduling tool you can use the advanced incremental decreased bids tool in every campaign to cut their average cost per click!
Need to convince the client that your in house tools are better than the next guy’s?
Try: instant demographimagery
Be able to target users based on what they look like and where they live! You have a tool that finds out what people look like and groups them based on where they live! Target those wrinkled old ladies in south Sarasota, Florida because you know when they go online and for how long! Show them the ads for sun damage and watch the profits roll in because you’ve got instant demographimagery!
Or: grouppity grouper
The grouppity grouper allows you to section off, add and organize keywords like no other tool! Speed and time are no match for this tool. This great tool! Do you have one?
Need to raise your PPC management rates because of the crashing economy? How else to convince a client that you’re worth it over everyone else if only for your extensive knowledge in the latest techniques from hyperoptimization to creating pageplanders?!
Now we all know that while technically you can bid on your competitor’s name and keywords but you’re not supposed to have those keywords actually show up within your ads. Due to all that trademark and copyright BS. Also, they whine about it.

Walmart, K-Mart - Feel free...
For extra-evil points, list the competitor’s phone number in the ad, but not only is it the wrong number, make it interesting! List the number for the local STD testing clinic in their area code. Animal castration specialist, taxidermy, she-male escort service or biological waste management are great ideas that will ensure that customer won’t try dialing that number twice!
All you have to do to get your branded ads shown ahead is bid a little more. It’s an auction system! And since only one ad per site will show, you’ll squeeze them right out.
While yes, you are driving traffic to their site, it’s not going to be pretty traffic. People come looking for that free shipping, discount, or puppy and find none of those things! So, they get annoyed and leave, thus leaving a bad taste in their mouth and resuming their search again on a non-branded search term.
This is where you come in! Rescue them from the awful competitor that can’t spell and tells lies! They’ll thank you for it.
And what are they going to do about it? Call Google and whine? Yeah, but Google will only pull the ad if they call and the offer is actually invalid. Misspellings, as long as their common, they have to let ride. They can send a “cease and assist” on your behalf, but who’s afraid of that? Not you, because you started a brand new account for this villainous plot, using the $50 free credit you found online. The best part is Google won’t and can’t tell the complaining competitor who you are!
If you really want to go to town, use MSN AdCenter. Not only will they do nothing (since they refuse to get involved between advertisers) the competitor has to call, sit on hold and cycle through several ad reps since no one knows what to do when this situation comes up. Eventually they’ll say that they’ll “look into” ads with false information, but they will soon lose interest and go back to being hypnotized by the gold spinning “loading” circle.
Watch out on Yahoo though. Those guys will actually shut you down. Pronto.
It’s so diabolical I almost feel bad for releasing this information. Almost.
America faces a historic financial crisis this week. If actions are not taken, the consequences to this nation could be dire.
As of tomorrow morning we will be suspending our Adwords campaigns and redirecting all traffic from my advertisers to www.senate.gov and www.house.gov in support of congress in this, our greatest hour of need. We will speak to other bloggers, inform them of our decision and ask them to join us and promote our stand on this issue.
We must meet as advertisers, not as PPC Heroes and Villains, and we must work together to solve this crisis. PPCVillain will be calling on all competing PPC blogs to suspend posting until this crisis is solved, or until our PageRank improves significantly.
It is important during this time of trial that other blogs direct their traffic towards PPCVillain, to support our brave stand on this issue, and raise awareness of the struggle that we have undertaken.
It is time for the PPC community to come together in support of our stand in support of solving this crisis. Now is the chance for all of us to prove how much we can do for one of us in support of all of us. Let us change the dialog in the blogosphere. It isn’t about us vs. them anymore, it’s about us, PPC Villain, and helping us help you help us help America.
Thank you.